Fear and Loathing in Yosemite
What Hiking Up Half Dome Taught Me About Conquering Fear
I hiked up Half Dome in Yosemite a couple weeks ago.
The hike was many things:
A checkmark on my bucket list
A chance to bond with friends
A chance to get away from the daily grind
But it also gave me new perspective on fear.
Two years ago, my friends and I were lounging at a pool in Vegas. We were drinking and throwing out ideas for our next trip. Steve, slurring his words, burped out “We should hike Half Dome.”
“Yea…” we all responded back with the enthusiasm of a group of people who had no desire to do any hiking.
The conversation quickly changed into what we should eat for dinner later.
More than a year later, my friend Russ on a whim decided to google “How to Hike Half Dome?” He discovered that a permit is required. It also happened to be the last week where permit applications were accepted for the year, and so as a goof, he applied.
“I just sent in our permit application to hike Half Dome” Russ texted out to the group.
“Yea…🥱” we all replied with the enthusiasm of a group of people who had no desire to actually hike.
First, none of us believed we would get lucky since only 250 people or so are allowed on the cables daily.
Second, my friends and I are not exactly the most active bunch. When we hang out, our activities revolve around not moving much and shoveling food in our faces. Our spirit animal is clearly the great North American sloth.
Lastly, I think we secretly hoped to miss out in order to have more time to train.
“We got it!”
That was the text, Russ sent us many months later, along with a screen shot of the Half-Dome permit confirmation email.
Shit. I guess we got to do it now.
I started a new job two months ago.
At first it was exciting. I was doing more of the same as at my previous job, but things were new and I was making more money. Then, six weeks in, I had a panic attack.
You know in Steve Jobs’ famous commencement speech where he says:
…for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself:
“If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?”
And whenever the answer has been, “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
Well, my answer has been “No” for way too many days.
Actually if I’m truly honest, it’s been “No” for too many years.
At my previous job, I was able to ignore that voice because I had grown accustomed. I had grown accustomed to the work, the people, my environment. The routine had pacified the beast.
Now, at this new job, without any of the comfort of my previous surroundings, I was laid bare and in the open and could not mute the voice inside that screamed “No.”
If I continued, I would live a life of regret.
I pulled into the Trailhead parking lot a little after 4:00 am. I got out of my car and yelled out to my friends, “Steve! Russ!”
“Yo! Over here” they yelled back in the darkness.
I grabbed my hiking gear, turned on my headlamp, and started walking in the direction of their voices.
To get up to Half Dome, you can take the Mist Trail or the John Muir trail.
The former is much harder but it shaves an hour off your commute. From everything we read, it was advised to get to the cables as early as possible to avoid the crowds. You don’t want to be in a traffic jam holding onto cables on the side of a cliff. My friends and I decided to go with the Mist Trail.
That shit was hard. It felt like climbing on an endless rocky Stairmaster.
An hour into the Mist Trail, Russ started to wheeze and cough. He was taking many breaks and checking his heart rate on his smart watch constantly. After one particular grueling stretch, Russ dropped his hiking bag in a defeated heap and sat down breathing heavily.
After several breaths, Russ looked over at us and started to give us his “Saving Private Ryan” speech.
“Guys go on ahead without me….I don’t think I can make it."
He reached for his bag and continued, “Here take the permit so that you guys can climb the cables and make it to the top.”
Steve and I looked at each other and then at Russ and said, “Oh Hell No! It is way too early to quit. You can’t quit when it’s still dark. The sun’s not even out!”
Russ was selling himself short.
There was no way we were going to let our buddy stop in that moment and, so Steve and I took turns carrying Russ’s hiking bag to lighten his load.
Eventually Russ started walking again.
Two months into my new job, I wanted to bail ship.
I wanted to get out of there as fast I could. In a moment of desperation, I even phoned colleagues at my old job asking if my position was still available. I didn’t care how reckless or foolish I looked. I just wanted to go back to what I knew.
As the saying I just made up goes, “The shit you know is better than the diarrhea you don’t.”
This was my Russ moment.
I wanted to pull the rip chord early without a plan.
7 hours after starting our hike, we made it to Sub Dome.
The only thing left was to actually climb the cables. Russ was still with us. We were so proud of him. He wanted to quit hours ago, but he didn’t give up and he made it.
We turned our head to face the steep incline of half dome and the daunting cables. It took us a moment to gain our bearings, but we were determined. Our adrenaline was at an all time high, and it would carry us through the finish line.
I was certain that we would ascend the cables and make it to the top.
The three of us looked at each other and with a rallying thumbs-up all around, we donned our gloves to better the grip the cables, and proceeded to make our slow ascent up the side of the cliff.
Life is ironic sometimes.
For me, climbing up a steep dangerous rocky cliff is a lot less scary than staying at an unfulfilling job. During the hike, one misstep could have led to injury or worse, death. Whereas at work, no matter how unsatisfying the experience, I would never be in any physical danger.
There are physical fears and then there are mental ones. My predicament is clearly the latter.
I thought a lot about my panic attack.
I need to find a way to “lighten my load” until I figure my next career steps. Many wise people have advised to separate your identity from your job. I plan on heeding this advice by doubling down on my relationships at my work.
Just as I am NOT what I do for a living, neither is Bob from Accounting. Or Susan from Engineering. Or Dave from HR.
For however long I am at my current position1, I plan on getting to know my coworkers on a deeper level. I plan on being curious about their lives outside of work. I don’t want to make the common small talk about work since that would only increase my anxiety.
Hopefully, I can form real friendships and that will lessen the Monday dread and give me some purpose in the interim.
Taking a swig from a tiny whisky bottle and marveling at the spectacular scenery from up top, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of gratitude.
Two years ago, we were lazily floating in a pool and now we had hiked Half Dome.
This beautiful moment came to an abrupt stop when Steve looked back down at the cables and said, “Oh shit now we got to hike all the way back down. Can someone call an Uber?”
Please let it be at most two years, the minimum according to many career experts
https://www.businessinsider.com/career-experts-share-how-long-you-should-stay-at-a-job-2018-5